Sometimes life gets in the way of doing things we are passionate about. This is a mistake. We should absolutely always be consciously following those things that make our hearts sing. Whether that be writing a blog like this one or following your online work-at-home career like a good friend of mine. Sometimes, actually that is an understatement, usually I let the day to day get me down and it creates a barrier between me and those things that I love to do.

Thanks to that same good friend I mentioned above, I have developed a passion for reading, and with that came the vision of myself writing. Though I have no particular visions of myself become a world class writer - there is no reason I can't write for my own benefit and enjoyment. I have never been one to be overly confident in my own abilities and so that self consciousness translates into holding myself back. I hold myself back from writing this blog. I hold myself back from writing that book I was so obsessed with planning. I hold myself back from going on that date, and from going back to school for a career I have always dreamed of having. For those who aren't on a first name basis with me - that career was Nursing.

The anxiety started full force when I was a young teenager. I have since come to learn that I have suffered with it my entire life. I attribute it to my experience in elementary, junior and high school as a gay male in small town Canada. The harrassment started when I was quite young and continued throughout my education. There were times in my childhood that I wouldn’t leave my house without company, and even then I was always looking over my shoulder. I saw a therapist in elementary school for several years and although I can’t remember what those sessions consisted of at that young age, I can guess it had something to do with my fear of everything.

I don’t think I started having full blown anxiety attacks until several years into my high school years. I remember living with friends and waking up through the night with such terrible chest pain I thought I was having a heart attack. At 17 years old that was not only scary but confusing. I was relatively healthy. Though I talked myself out of calling 911 – my friend could attest to the fact that I was scared shitless. It was such a harsh attack physically that I suffered from acid reflux for months afterward. Thank god that has never happened again.

Cut to a year later with my first gay relationship. I was in the closet so to speak until I was around 17 years old and when I finally let my guard down enough to meet someone who I thought was great, I was more than a little bit of a push over. I got with someone who was a pathological liar, who saw merit in cheating and lost no opportunity to let me know my weight was an issue. I was annorexically thin, and that was how he preferred me. For eight years I stayed in this relationship. I have since realized that the relationship was mutually abusive in several ways. Firstly once the cheating started I became a little more than controlling. The more control I saught the more he pushed against and did those things that caused the control issues. Excuses aside, the relationship was full of lessons and I wouldn’t trade my time with him.

Albeit difficult, that relationship is where my anxiety seeded itself into what it has become today. The anxiety attacks strengthened into what they are now. It has caused deep seeded trust issues in me that have ruined relationships since. I am working on these problems every day and have come a long way since I left him in 2012, though I still have a very long way to go.

So there is where the eating disorder began, with a weight controlled environment for several years, however above all of that I have always had a terrible diet. I am a fussy eater – over and above any other adult I have met even if I am sure there are tons of people out there like me. I can eat any type of junk food going, can try new flavours and almost always like them. I can not however eat, well everything else. I want to be more adventurous but it is a one step forward two steps back type of situation. I hyper fixate on one meal and eat it until I am sick of it and can’t eat it for a while. That does not happen with junk food. So this is where the binge eating disorder comes into play. I can go several days without eating, or could anyway. I have thankfully gotten a slight handle on what the frequency, moving away from going several days without food to needing to eat every day. The problem I have now is I go most of the day without eating and then need to gorge myself in the evening – when it is most unhealthy for me to eat. I do not purge, and I say that with the utmost care for those that have this problem. I have thankfully stayed away from that aspect of the cliché where binge eating disorders are concerned. I just eat until I am bloated and gross and feel like I am going to be sick. Sometimes there can be several straight hours of eating. Progress, not perfection.

The body dysmoprhia is definitely something I have a harder time accepting in myself. I don’t have anyone to compare diseases with and I am so crippled with this self consciousness that I will certainly not let anyone see my body, so I really get no opinion but my own. However I am pretty convinced that my body is just shit and there is little anyone can say to change my mind. If I am being honest with myself this makes the utmost sense. With my eating habits it stands to reason that my body is responding accordingly.

So there, my mental illness is a part of my life, but it is not the defining part of my life. I am learning to accept it in myself even if those around me cant or wont understand what it means for me.

Next time on Maury...

New Writing Challenge!

I have posted a writing exercise in the writing challenge section of this blog!  I encourage you to write your own so that when I post mine, you can see how different the same exercise can come out depending on who writes it.

Try it! :)

K.F.H
01:56MST

Day 16 - It's Christmas Time

Christmas is and always has been one of my favorite times of the year.  Today's post is going to be centered around Christmas and the little traditions I have become accustomed to over the years.  Now mind you, this year and the years to follow are going to be different than any other year to date, as we have moved, however I am excited to find out what new traditions are going to arise.

So as a child, if you have been reading along, you will know that as a child my parent's always came together for Christmas in our house, despite the fact that they were divorced.  As I grew up my and my parent's started settling into their lives with new partners, things started to change.  I disliked being at home without my parents both being there, so I started to make my own Christmases.  

The first year I stayed away from home I was living at my dad's.  He is just not a person who cares overly about the holidays, so I chose to spend my Christmas with a family, Kristen and Sharon, that I had become very close to over the years.  Though it was hard to be away from home I thought it was better than spending the actual night with my dad who ended up going out for drinks anyway.  Christmas ends when children start to get older, it becomes less of a family holiday and more of a party time.

The next two years I spent with my surrogate (or as I call them at least,) family.  Lee-Ann, that means you ;) .  These two Christmases were among the best I remember, it was a quaint evening with great family and I will never forget those years!

Following that, I spent every year until 2010 with my boyfriend and his family.  This is where my tradition actually kicked in.  Every Christmas night, Josh and I would watch a movie and stay up late.  After being woken up and opening gifts we would all pile into our cars and drive to his grandparent's house where we ate the most amazing Christmas breakfast.  French toast, heaps of bacon, toast, eggs of all kinds, etc etc.  The food was always endless and you left that house feeling like you needed a nap!  So good.

After the family rested and spent time together for the day, the immediate family on both sides would flock to the Guilderson home for Christmas supper.  (All of these things are in and among me driving all over NS to see my own family.)  At this supper there was always two tables, one for the 'adults,' and one for the 'kids.'  Obviously I was at the kids table with Josh and his brothers and whomever else happened to be there with them, but being a part of that close-knit family is and always will be a favorite part of my teenaged years, as I never had that from my own.  Even when my family was intact, none of them were close.  

Another favorite part of Christmas is wrapping gifts!  I could care less about getting anything, though in the morning it does suck.  (Yes, I frequently don't receive anything for holiday's from my family.)  There is just something about disguising a gift and knowing what it is when others don't.  The look on people's faces are always priceless.

This year I have decided to send out Christmas cards.  I have 15 or so cards to be sent out, across Canada and a couple in the US.  Hopefully they will make it to their destination before the holidays are over!  Cross your fingers!

Well Thank You for reading and stay-tuned for tomorrow's post!

K.F.H

01:43MST

Day 15 - Tammyism

Though my life is certainly not the most interesting, some interesting, ridiculous things seem to happen to me when my mom enters a room.  In my last post I'd said that I was going to do a post revolving around my mother and what we call her "Tammyisms," Tammy being her name.  They are the most ridiculous things but they are rather comical!

Debit Machine Madness
Using a debit machine may come as second nature to some people, but not for my mother, oh no.  One day she ventured to Wal*Mart to do some shopping.  Once she decided one what she was going to buy she made her way to the cashiers and proceeded to pay with her debit card.  After several attempts trying to swipe her card the wrong way, (the strip was pointing the opposite to what it should have been,) the cashier tried to direct her by telling her to "turn it around."  So my mother, being the blonde little midget genius that she is, decided to pick up and move the whole debit machine a quarter turn to her left, and swiped the card the same way. 

Lube and Vodka
My mother was always the type of parent that as I grew older, acknowledged that I was going to drink whether or not she approved.  So she had a policy that required me in the house if I was going to drink.  SO -- on the day before my 19th birthday I figured it would be a good night to have some drinks.  I had to work until 1AM, so my mom took my order, a quart of vodka, and my boyfriend Josh and ventured into the liqour store.  After buying the liqour and handing it to Josh and carry, they wandered into the Superstore (grocery store) and my dearest mother decided she needed to buy some lube for her and her husband.  Once getting to the counter and realizing how insane it looked that my 40 year old mother and at the time an 18 year old kid were purchasing some alcohol and lube together, she very nonchalantly told the cashier that it was going to be a great night, paid, and left the store.

China Man
You have to know my mother to understand what these Tammyism's are.  She does these things without thinking and totally oblivious to the fact that it could be perceived as something negative.  When I was a child my mother worked at the local nursing home.  One summer day my mom and her friend were outside having a cigarette when a man approached the front of the building, a Chinese man.  As he approached my dear mother pressed her hands together as though she were going to pray, bent over in a bow position and said, "HELL-OY."  After doing this my mothers friend had to give my mother a lesson on why what she said was politically incorrect, and she then died of embarrassment, as she was about to walk back in and be the charge nurse on his relatives wing.
 

Well, I think that about covers it for today.  I think I am going to make this a random topic I choose to use from time to time.  Perhaps on the 3rd day of each month.  There are so many of these things that make me kill myself laughing at her that I would love to share, in hopes someone else will get a chuckle!  I hope everyone is having a fantastic December 4th and stay tuned for some more writing exercises and a new video!

K.F.H
02:09MST

Silly Me

To add to my previous post, I'm a moron. I bought the ticket thinking the draw (6/49) was tonight.

I knew it was Friday, but somehow thought it was Wednesday!!! Haha. There's my Tammyism* for the day!!

Tammyism is a word my mom came up with to explain her super intense blonde moments. I think maybe these could make a good blog!

K.F.H
01:39MST

Day 14 - Forgive Me

Well... This is going to be a short post as I am writing from my phone. We are rather busy since getting to Sylvan Lake as we have been catching up with all of the people we havent seen in years, like my cousin Lisa, and Josh's cousin Candice.

I included a couple pictures of a purchase I made at walmart here in Sylvan. The difference in tax between Nova Scotia and Alberta is insane.

Also I purchased my first lottery ticket!




So, with this short check-in with you all I ask you to forgive me for my lateness... All should be back to normal soon!

K.F.H
01:22MST

Day 13 - I'm in Alberta!!!

Well -- I made it.  I am in Alberta.  I made it here around 1:30 yesterday and have been just exploring and spending some quality time with Joshua.  My blog post for yesterday is going to be this one, as it was just too busy a day to get one written.

So, for today I figured that I would write a little bit about my trip yesterday.  Overall the trip was a good one.  We left from Halifax and made it Toronto on time, where we were actually able to get outside and have a cigarette.

We flew through Thunder Bay but we never got off of the plane!  Once we landed in Winnipeg, the flight attendant told us we were 40 minutes delayed and to run quick for a smoke.  We were in a city neither of us had ever been, and according to the flight attendant, the airport is relatively new.

Once we had our smoke, we ran back inside and had to go through security.  Once into security, the woman not only did not want to accept our ticket, another woman pulled me aside and took a long probe looking thing and swabbed my hand, then proceeded to but the swab into some sort of machine... ALL THE WHILE NEVER TELLING ME WHAT SHE WAS DOING.  She was super aggressive and pushy.  I'm sorry, but I live in a free country and yes, I may be using that airport during my transit, but that doesnt give ANYONE the right to put their hands on me and refuse to tell me why she was doing this.  Furthermore, there was another security person who actually made her stop and let me through -- all so stressful.  They had to hold the plane for us!

Once we left there we landed in Calgary after circling the area for what seemed forever, as the roads were bad due to a minor storm in Calgary and surrounding area.

The trip was one I will never forget, and once I get over the shock of being away from the people that mean the most in the world to me, I will be ok.  You know who you are, I love you!

K.F.H
11:48MST